(Girlfriend) Get drunk do shots Then imunna steal your girlfriend Go out get hyped Imunna steal your girl Do it right in front of your face You won’t notice it Oh oh But imunna steal your girlfriend I see you staring at me Creepin’ the corner You’re the Camero of human beings Base model swagger Tight pants, ponytail Dressed like discount Bieber at An everything must bro sale Your girlfriend’s rolling her eyes Because your game consists of flexing And aggro high five’s Sure I’ll come over but FYI This story’s got a twist at the end Get drunk do shots Then imunna steal your girlfriend Go out get hyped Imunna steal your girl Predatory lesbian Imunna steal your girlfriend Your ego’s deafening Shh, just stole your girl Do it right in front of your face You won’t notice With your dick in your hand you’re Not good at reading social cues Don’t try to fight it Cuz imunna steal your girlfriend We can go all night When it’s just between us girls Can’t call you a douchebag You’ve never touched vagina You talk too closely and had Chick-fil-a for lunch I’ll take your princess home and I’ll Leia Thought you’d have a threesome But you’re left with your hands solo She values human connection We’ve got better toys to play with than your affection She wants to taste my rainbow And I give her full consent It’s a cupcake slumber party Just between us girlfriends Get drunk do shots Then imunna steal your girlfriend Go out get hyped Then imunna steal your girl Predatory lesbian Imunna steal your girlfriend Your ego’s deafening Shhh just stole your girl Machismo is a no go So I had to steal your girlfriend Three minus you Equals just me and your girl It’s actually more accurate To say she left voluntarily This language of possession is highly problematic Her name is Carrie She’s totally independent You loved her in a dress Now I’m taking off her pants in a Reciprocal relationship With mutual respect You wouldn’t get it So just say I stole your girlfriend Cuz I stole your girlfriend Yeah I stole your girlfriend (man tears) And now she is my girlfriend La la la la girlfriend

I don’t want to hold your baby I don’t want to hold it Don’t want to hold it I don’t want to hold your baby (baby) Don’t wanna hold it Don’t make me hold it I love you, you’re my friend And we’ve been friends for such a long time But you got that baby now And you know babies ain’t my style Cuz if anybody is crying at brunch That somebody’s gonna be me I don’t want to touch it Worried I’ll drop it Don’t show me photos Girl, stop it Everybody out on the floor with a baby What are you doing? You’ve got a baby Go home and be with your baby Everybody else do shots I don’t want to hold your baby I don’t want to hold it I don’t want to hold it I don’t want to hold your baby Don’t wanna hold it Don’t make me hold it And I know and I know and I know and I know You’ve always wanted to be a mom So you know, so you know, so you know, so you know I’ve never even wanted to be an aunt Maybe I could handle like a distant aunt Like a once a month, like a once a year aunt Who drops off a gift and gets high in my car Cuz babies freak me out It looks like a raisin smells like a fart That smile don’t mean your baby is smart It’s a baby Raisin baby Looks like literally every other baby This is The part where You say Goo goo goo goo goo goo goo Ga ga ga ga ga ga ga Everybody out on the floor with a baby What are you doing? You’ve got a baby Go home and be with your baby Everybody else have sex SCREAM! I don’t want to hold your baby I don’t want to hold it I don’t want to hold it I don’t want to hold your baby Don’t wanna hold it Don’t make me hold it Baby… baby… Remember a year ago When neither of us had a baby? Man, that was great So… um Ok, I’ll let you go I don’t want to hold your baby I don’t want to hold it I don’t want to hold it I don’t want to hold your baby I don’t want to hold it I don’t want to hold it I don’t want to hold your baby I don’t want to hold it I don’t want to hold it I don’t want to hold your baby I don’t want to hold it I don’t want to hold it I don’t want to hold your baby

Sad songs are inappropriate When you sing them on the ukulele (Everything you’re about to hear is true) I found out on Twitter That my ex has cancer But her new girlfriend Is taking excellent care of her That’s a lot of new feelings To have all at once (yeah, woah-oh) Because effectively I mourned you On the day you went away And made it very clear to me You don’t want to be friends Which is a challenge Cuz you also said you’d love me for forever But if you’d loved me never We’d still be friends And now will I even be invited to your funeral? And if I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew That life would be so sad (so sad) I would have learned, learned, learned, learned, learned To play something other than Other than the ukulele (yeah, woah-oh) The old man in my building Had to be hospitalized indefinitely And when I asked him who was Helping taking care of his cat He said “no one,” and I said “I’ll take the cat!” Then I found out that the Old man was a hoarder And the cat had severe Neurological disorders My vet said the cat was too far gone Blind and deaf and there was Nothing they could do So I surrendered the cat And when the man came home I had to tell him that I’d murdered his only friend Now my apartment still smells like the cat Also I’m allergic to cats And if I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew That life would be so sad (so sad) I would have learned, learned, learned, learned, learned To play something other than Other than the ukulele (yeah, woah-oh) Sometimes I wake up In the dead of night Having a panic attack that Sexual slavery exists (do do do) (Do do do do do do) (Do do do do-do) (Do-do do-do) Like how is that a problem? Why is it even a phrase? What dark part of humanity Could possibly explain it? And what can we do? What is any of this for? Did Clooney really help when he went to Darfur? Is comedy an effective tool for change? Cuz if we choose our own weapons And we choose to go to war And I am fighting for truth and equality for sure Am I an idiot to think that a Song can make a difference And why did I choose such a happy little instrument? It’s hard to acknowledge social injustice On a ukulele In a world where obesity is a Larger problem than hunger And the tenth most requested gift From Santa is a dad And every year the Mars rover Sings happy birthday to itself Also everyone you know or love or Meet in the universe eventually dies So sad Too bad I only play the ukulele I only play the ukulele

Ok, kids. We’re about to learn a new dance. It’s a dance of friendship. It’s a dance of freedom! It’s the dance of the wavy parachute guy you see outside of used car lots and tire shops, technically known as… sky dancers. Are you ready? Well you should be! Because the party starts... now! Put your right foot on the ground Now put your left foot next to it Just like you’re a tree A tree growing for friendship far and wide! Now shake your butt and move your knees in a circle Bigger circles, smaller circles Everything’s a circle, life is a circle Wave to a stranger Feet like a trunk and shake your butt Your knees in a circle you’re doing great Wave to a stranger from the left to the right Now tickle the sun and smile bright Reach to the sky, do a body roll Wave to a stranger, body roll Play catch with yourself, but you can’t see the ball Don’t forget to smile Sky dancer dancing alone What are you dancing for? Sky dancer reaching so high than Falling so low then rising again Long yellow free Are you waving at me? Long yellow free Are you waving at me? Fee fie faux fame Hollywood give us more of the same So let your freak flag fly Let your freak flag fly Your freak flag’s fly So let your freak flag fly Freak flagging is fly So fly your freak flag high Flag your freak flying fly Freaking freak you flag fly (Nonsense) (Nonsense) Now you’ve got your feet And now you’ve got your arms Now pretend that you don’t have Any bones Reach to the sky And fall to the floor Reach to the sky Fall to the floor Reach to the sky Fall half way down Then go back to the sky Feet like a trunk and shake your butt Knees in a circle smile and wave Tickle the sun do a body roll Wave to a stranger, body roll Play catch with yourself But you can’t see the ball You don’t have any bones Feet to the knees to the circle and wave To the sun to the stranger smile Sky dancer what are you waving for? Are you waving for me? Sky dancer dancing above the clouds For all to see Sky dancer what are you dancing for Are you dancing for me Sky dancer dancing forever Dancing for all to see Feet like a trunk and shake your butt Knees in a circle smile and wave Tickle the sun do a body roll Wave to a stranger, body roll Play catch with yourself But you can’t see the ball You don’t have any bones Feet to the knees to the circle and wave To the sun to the stranger smile Long yellow free Are you waving at me? Long yellow free Are you waving at me? The Sky

Oooo Aer Lingus Angina Assonance Backdoor Beaver Breaststroke Bulbous Bunny Buttress Charles Dickens Chum Coccyx Cockapoo Cockle Cockpit Conch Copula Creamy Cul de sac Cum laude Cumin Cystic Diphthong Dongle Oooo baby You know you can’t resist it Ooo Ooo baby When I’m sexually implicit Wanna get with me Filthy flirty Wanna be with me Baby better keep it wordy Facial Fajita Fartlek Fish stick Flaccid Flagella Flappy Flautist Foaming Free Willy Fricatives Fruity Girth Gooey Homo Erectus Humpback Joystick Juices Kumquat Lingual Bi-lingual Magna cum laude Manhole Ooo baby You wanna love me longer longer Ooo oo baby Better hit me with some sweet entendre Ooo baby You know you can’t resist it Ooo oo baby When I’m sexually implicit Masticate Membrane Moist Muffin Nasty Nut butter Oedipus Oral Panties Peacock Penal code Pendulous Penultimate Phalanges Pianist Poop deck Pounding Pro Bono Prostrate Pudding Pulsing Pumping Punt Pussy willow Ramrod Rim shot Rorschach Secretion Sextuplets Shaft Shuttlecock Slather Slider Smack Snatch Spaetzle Spelunk Sperm whale Splurge Sprinkle Squat Squirt Sticky Subpoena Summa cum laude Throbbing Titmouse Tight end Tittle Titular Uranus Viscous Vivaldi Waxing gibbous Weenis